Fate blows hardest on a bleeding heart

to you

2007-05-20T03:47:43Z

i want to see you here with me
and i want to tell you what you mean to me
but i'll save this, i'll save my breath this time
i think it's almost useless
we both know, we both saw the signs
still i am ASKING WHY

i think i'm falling
i think i'm falling inside
so is this story over or has it just begun
you can only wonder and we can only wonder
these days have been too much
i hate being stuck in the inbetween

means to an end
me taking your hand and moving us ahead
i wish that it could last cuz i still feel OUR PAST
will we ever feel this way again
means to and end

close my eyes and i'll be dreaming away
if things were different i'd be able to say
i'm still here RE-THINKING MY DECISIONS
our distance, separation
but i'm still here

my_loving_death @ 2007-05-19T15:41:00

2007-05-19T19:54:25Z

i miss feeling like im worth something i miss feeling wanted.

my_loving_death @ 2007-05-17T17:14:00

2007-05-17T22:16:04Z

so yeah alot has been going on here i got a new apt with kristen & douglass & things are alright, they are starting to pick up. the one thing that is still bothering me is i feel like my friends are like fading away. like idk its lame oh well

my_loving_death @ 2007-03-20T19:53:00

2007-03-20T23:55:09Z

im over being bored to death. im over being 2.5 million gajillion miles away from you im tired of feeling like crap & im just tired. can i sleep away the next 10 days? please?

my_loving_death @ 2007-02-06T01:41:00

2007-02-06T06:43:22Z

soo i turn 20 soonn... realy bums me out. today has been shitt i feel as if today no one cared... oh well

peace

my_loving_death @ 2006-11-10T16:15:00

2006-11-10T17:26:00Z

almost 2 weeks tomorrow =/

oh well i just want you to be as happy as posible. i love you & respect your decisions

in other news i saw my family for a while last night it was good. even though i was in a better mood before i got there idk why... i think i have an idea though. then i also chilled with matt for like 30 mins at target talking shit about huddles & their kitchen equipment

saw holly for a bit too. i havent seen her or hher mom in a long time.

thats all

my_loving_death @ 2006-11-07T14:26:00

2006-11-07T18:26:46Z

im scared of surgery im scared to graduae college & have a 80,000 debt, im scared of being alone

i miss you
i miss sleep
i miss having fun everyday but everyone has gotta grow up sooner or later

Shitty day

nough said

my_loving_death @ 2006-10-28T12:03:00

2006-10-28T16:27:53Z

i wake up feeling prettty good then i actually wake up. i look down and my knees look like i put oranges uunder my knee cap. then i look up and see our pictures & itt hits me. this is definatly going to be hard. definatly the hardest thing ive done so far in life. just know through everything, thick and thin good & bad dont ever question my love for you. or myy devotion to you. no matter what ill love you till i die & aftter that as well. i guess thats it for today...ohh does anyone even read these anymore?

:/

2006-10-28T05:48:50Z

Its times like these where i dont know what to do. i have no rock to lean on & theres another 1000 of a barren wasteland. its times like these that make me second guess everything ive done or held close. i dontknow whatt to do, give up & give in? or just keep pushing & hoping everything will work out for the best. Its times like these that i scare myself, i cant trust myself. i hate having to second guess my ideals & loves and wondering is this life for me? i guess only ttime will tell. & i hate being the kind of person who cant just sit by & let whatever happen happen. i cant do that , no sir not me. i always have to try to fix it. i always have to help even if i know nothing of it. all i know is right now im incomplete &will be for idk how long.

::EDIT::

i love you no matter what & i respect your wishes im right here waitingfor you my love. "i dont believe in maricles but i believe in you"

my_loving_death @ 2006-07-22T22:19:00

2006-07-23T02:19:21Z

(Click here to post your own answers for this meme.)

✓ I miss somebody right now.	✓ I don't watch much TV these days.	✓ I own lots of books.
✓ I wear glasses or contact lenses.	✓ I love to play video games.	✓ I've tried marijuana.
✓ I've watched porn movies.	× I have been the psycho-ex in a past relationship.	✓ I believe honesty is usually the best policy.
✓ I curse sometimes.	✓ I have changed a lot mentally over the last year.	× I carry my knife/razor everywhere with me.

* * * * *

✓ I have broken someone's bones.	× I have a secret that I am ashamed to reveal.	× I hate the rain.
✓ I'm paranoid at times.	× I would get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe, free of cost, and scar-free.	✓ I need/want money right now.
✓ I love sushi.	× I talk really, really fast.	× I have fresh breath in the morning.
× I have long hair.	× I have lost money in Las Vegas.	✓ I have at least one sibling.
× I was born in a country outside of the U.S.	× I have worn fake hair/fingernails/eyelashes in the past.	× I couldn't survive without Caller I.D.
× I like the way that I look.	× I have lied to a good friend in the last 6 months.	× I am usually pessimistic.
× I have a lot of mood swings.	× I think prostitution should be legalized.	× I slept with a roommate.
✓ I have a hidden talent.	× I'm always hyper no matter how much sugar I have.	✓ I have a lot of friends.
× I have pecked someone of the same sex.	× I enjoy talking on the phone.	× I practically live in sweatpants or PJ pants.
× I love to shop and/or window shop.	× I'm obsessed with my Xanga or Livejournal.	× I'm completely embarrassed to be seen with my mother.
✓ I have a mobile phone.	× I have passed out drunk in the past 6 months.	✓ I've rejected someone before.
✓ I currently like/love someone.	× I have no idea what I want to do for the rest of my life.	✓ I want to have children in the future.
✓ I have changed a diaper before.	× I've called the cops on a friend before.	× I'm not allergic to anything.
✓ I have a lot to learn.	× I am shy around the opposite sex.	× I'm online 24/7, even as an away message.
× I have at least 5 away messages saved.	✓ I have tried alcohol or drugs before.	× I have made a move on a friend's significant other or crush in the past.
× I own the "South Park" movie.	× I have avoided assignments at work/school to be on Xanga or Livejournal.	× I enjoy some country music.
✓ I would die for my best friends.	× I'm obsessive, and often a perfectionist.	× I have used my sexuality to advance my career.
✓ I think Halloween is awesome because you get free candy.	× I have dated a close friend's ex.	✓ I am happy at this moment.
× I'm obsessed with guys.	× Democrat.	× Republican.
× I don't even know what I am.	× I am punk rockish.	× I go for older guys/girls, not younger.
× I study for tests most of the time.	× I tie my shoelaces differently from anyone I've ever met.	× I can work on a car.
✓ I love my job(s).	✓ I am comfortable with who I am right now.	✓ I have more than just my ears pierced.
✓ I walk barefoot wherever I can.	✓ I have jumped off a bridge.	× I love sea turtles.
× I spend ridiculous amounts of money on makeup.	✓ I plan on achieving a major goal/dream.	✓ I am proficient on a musical instrument.
✓ I hate office jobs.	× I went to college out of state.	× I am adopted.
× I am a pyro.	✓ I have thrown up from crying too much.	✓ I have been intentionally hurt by people that I loved.
× I fall for the worst people.	× I adore bright colours.	× I usually like covers better than originals.
✓ I hate chain theme restaurants like Applebees and TGIFridays.	✓ I can pick up things with my toes.	× I can't whistle.
✓ I have ridden/owned a horse.	× I still have every journal I've ever written in.	× I talk in my sleep.
× I've often thought that I was born in the wrong century.	✓ I try to forget things by drowning them out with loads of distractions.	× I wear a toe ring.
✓ I have a tattoo.	✓ I can't stand at LEAST one person that I work with.	× I am a caffeine junkie.
× I am completely tree-huggy spiritual, and I'm not ashamed at all.	× If I knew I would get away with it, I would commit at least one murder.	× I will collect anything, and the more nonsensical, the better.
× I enjoy a nice glass of wine with dinner.	× I'm an artist.	× I am ambidextrous.
× I sleep with so many stuffed animals, I can hardly fit on my bed.	× If it weren't for having to see other people naked, I'd live in a nudist colony.	× I have terrible teeth.
× I hate my toes.	× I did this meme even though I wasn't tagged by the person who took it before me.	× I have more friends on the internet than in real life.
✓ I have lived in either three different states or countries.	× I am extremely flexible.	× I love hugs more than kisses.
✓ I want to own my own business.	× I smoke.	✓ I spend way too much time on the computer than on anything else.
× Nobody has ever said I'm normal.	✓ Sad movies, games, and the like can cause a trickle of tears every now and then.	✓ I am proficient in the use of many types of firearms and combat weapons.
× I like the way women look in stylized men's suits.	× I don't like it when people are unpleased or seem unpleased with me.	× I have been described as a dreamer or likely to have my head up in the clouds.
× I have played strip poker with someone else before.	× I have had emotional problems for which I have sought professional help.	✓ I believe in ghosts and the paranormal.
× I can't stand being alone.	× I have at least one obsession at any given time.	× I weigh myself, pee/poo, and then weigh myself again.
× I consistently spend way too much money on obsessions-of-the-moment.	✓ I'm a judgmental asshole.	× I'm a HUGE drama-queen.
× I have travelled on more than one continent.	× I sometimes wish my father would just disappear.	× I need people to tell me I'm good at something in order to feel that I am.
× I am a Libertarian.	× I can speak more than one language.	× I can fall asleep even if the whole room is as noisy as it can be.
× I would rather read than watch TV.	× I like reading fact more than fiction.	✓ I have pulled an all-nighter on an assignment I was given a month to do.
× I have no piercings.	× I have spent the night in a train station or other public place.	× I have been so upset over my physical gender that I cried.
× I once spent Christmas completely alone because there was a miscommunication on which parent was supposed to have me that night.	✓ There have been times when I have wondered "Why was I born?" and may/may not have cried over it.	× I like most animals better than most people.
× I own a collection of retro games consoles.	× The thought of physical exercise makes me shiver.	× I have hit someone with a dead fish.
× I am compulsively honest.	✓ I was born with a congenital birth defect that has never been repaired.	✓ I have danced topless in front of dozens of complete strangers.
× I have gone from wishing I was a girl to revelling in being a boy to feeling like a girl again in the span of five minutes, and not cared a whit for my actual sex.	× I am unashamedly bisexual, and have different motivations for my desires for different genders.	× I sometimes won't sleep a whole night or eat a whole day because I forget to.
× I find it impossible to get to sleep without some kind of music on.	× I dislike milk.	× I obsessively wash my hands.
× I always carry something significant around with me.	× Sometimes I'd rather wear a wig in day-to-day life than use my own hair.	✓ I've pushed myself to become more self-aware and thereby more aware of others.
× Even though I live on my own I still cry sometimes because I miss my mother.	× I hand wrote all the HTML tags in this document.	× I've liked something which a majority of people claimed was either bad or weird.
× I have been clinically dead for a brief period of time.	× Instead of feeling sympathy/empathy with people and their problems, I simply become annoyed.	× I participate/have participated in auto drag races and won.
× I do not 'get' most comedy acts.	× I don't think strippers are money-greedy or slutty for dancing.	× I don't like to chew gum.
× I am obsessed with history/historical things and can't wait for someone to build a time machine so I can be the first to use it.	× I can never remember for the life of me where I parked the car.	× I had the TEEN ANGST thing going for at least 2-3 years.
× I wish people would be more empathic and honest with each other.	× I play Dungeons and Dragons weekly.	✓ I love to sing.
× I want to live in my mother's basement when I grow up.	× I have a custom-built computer.	× I want to create a certain someone's babies, even though there's a 0% possiblity of ever achieving it.
× I would be in a relationship with one of my pets if they were human.	✓ I've gone skinny-dipping.	× I've performed in three plays.
× I enjoy burritos.	× I'm Irish and loving it.	× I have a thing for redheads.
× I am a twin!	× Most of the times, I'd rather do something intellectual instead of doing something generically 'fun'.	✓ Once I set out to finish something, I always stay at it until it is completed before I move on to something else.
× I wish there were a way to erase past mistakes.	× I sleep more than 12 hours a day.	× I wish I could be prouder of what I've accomplished, but it's never enough.
× I need more time to myself.	× I wish I was more open-minded.	× I hope that I go really prematurely grey.
✓ I download songs from the internet.	× I've just reenacted chapter 58 of Death Note with my best friend.	× I say random things to freak people out.
× I'm still a little mad about the ending of Death Note.	× I love playing Truth or Dare.	× I love listening to slow music, but I hate singing to it.
× Music helps me remember that I am not alone.	✓ Playing my favorite sport makes me temporarily forget my problems.	✓ I think this survey is particularly long.
× I prefer my LJ friends to my real-life ones.	× I can only hate someone that I love.	× I've ordered an extra two shots of espresso to an Americano at Starbucks.

my_loving_death @ 2006-06-20T18:06:00

2006-06-21T01:20:56Z

Wow! It's been awhile since I've updated this thing. A lot has been going on but none of which I will put in here except the following: I have an amazing girlfriend. I have some of the BEST friends ANYONE can ask for. I am in the process of getting an amazing job and education.

I don't really know what has come over me... I mean, I wake up this morning and I feel as if I am exactly where I should be in my life. Like I can't explain it but yeah it is a feeling like a huge burden was lifted off my back, it's pretty rightious. I'm pretty content with everything right now.

So all-in-all I just want to say, Thank you to everyone that has ever helped me in any way, shape, or form. If anyone wants to come & visit me it's all good. Just give me a call or a myspace message & we'll figure out something.

B

my_loving_death @ 2006-04-02T13:18:00

2006-04-02T17:22:22Z

so this is what it is to feel soo shitty where i dont even want to open my eyes i just want to lay here till everything is fine but i cant its just im human & im not lying when i tell you that im not seeing anyone else the only one i am seeing right now is you the only one i want to see is you & i guess its your decision to believe me or not ot idk i just wish everything was how it was a week ago i dont get how something can go from holy fucking shit this is amazing to wtf i want to crawl in to a sand trap up to my neck & let the tide take care of the rest i dont get it
anyone help? it just feels like everyone is abandoning me

my_loving_death @ 2006-03-17T12:32:00

2006-03-17T17:40:47Z

im seeing alot of people slip away from what they were im tired of people being fake seriously why do people feel it nessecary to lie/break promises? i dont get it whatever if i see fucking bmx scotty tomorrow its fucking over im going to wreck his ass im tired of just letting people dig their graves till they dig so deep they are out (talking so much shit & me not doing anything about it) its time for the old bj to come back the one who loves his friends his family & respects everyone TILL you start shit then its no if ands or buts about it its over. time to keep up with the saying talk shit & get split. i miss alot of people. i miss hangin out with everyone im tired of working all the damn time it will be over april 28 thats the last day i work till i go to college im stoked. heidi i hope you feel better, emily we need to chill, ben im sorry for your loss its really hard loseing someone in your family & i couldnt imagine someone as close as a father. & everyone else in seb/vero that still likes me or whatever we need to chill like we use to at jeffs or idk its whatever... thats it im done & leave a comment if you actually read it

p.s. happy anniv babe

my_loving_death @ 2006-03-13T00:58:00

2006-03-13T05:58:04Z

http://kevan.org/johari?name=Brandon+(Joey+Knuckles)

my_loving_death @ 2006-02-22T11:27:00

2006-02-22T16:29:14Z

so i bearly get sleep last night & i wake up to a $993.74 estimate for the damages i did to the truck... lame or what? i seriously hate this feeling

my_loving_death @ 2006-01-15T13:52:00

2006-01-15T18:54:09Z

so yesterday was everything i expected some good & some bad but i wouldnt change it... i was shown the most amazing spot to just sit down & chill & talk its soo fucking peaceful & stuff oh man i just want to go back there... thank you you kno who you are thank you for that & everything else

So where has all the day gone?

2006-01-08T06:33:51Z

"And why are my lungs aching when I breathe?
Is there something wrong with the heat?
Why am I so cold?
And my heart feels sick
And it hurts when I speak
And this is not what I hoped for"

"So this is what they call
Another endless night
So tired of believing
If this is wrong or right
I think this cause is lost
I wish that I could sleep
I feel like some kind of shadow
Another slave to the week
Imagine if we lived
Under the weather
We would never be found
Never discovered"

everyone gather around & listen closely

2006-01-04T18:32:05Z

mark today in your calanders kids...cause today is the day i gave up hope

my_loving_death @ 2005-12-26T13:26:00

2005-12-26T18:34:52Z

yeah so its the day after xmas all im hearing is omg i got an ipod i got $214890234 i got a new car... ok what does it matter what you got? i thought it was supposed to be spending time with loved ones? i dont know i guess im wrong. my xmas was xmas eve xmas i worked from 12 to almost 11 so i had no day but i got a small mp3 player with a car adaptor a new pair of pants (the same ones i ripped at the ymca a few weeks back) a shirt for the wedding on friday a $50 gift card &a new tv. umm yeah i had a great xmas great times with the family i got to hang out with my bffz the onmly problem was i didnt get to see my baby...oh well only 7 days till i get to see her again<3

my_loving_death @ 2005-12-19T13:14:00

2005-12-19T18:15:51Z

did i mention your gorgeous & amazing? if not you are gorgeous & amazing

my_loving_death @ 2005-12-19T01:07:00

2005-12-19T06:13:03Z

damn this weekend was a blast went xmas shoping for my family... i have an amazing girlfriend... i miss her... i seriously didnt go more than 2 hours without her by myside besides when i fell asleep which wasa few hours but yeah oh man did i have fun... "i lost my lip ring... WHERE?! ummm" ahahahahahaha i miss britty & holly but more so heidi

my_loving_death @ 2005-12-16T00:34:00

2005-12-16T05:47:05Z

i dont get it i try to help everyone i can i do little fucking things here &there that matter to people & most of all i fucking listen.. & i try to help. im sorry maybe i hate talking when im sad about something oh fucking well i dont like it when people can tell in my voice im upset
some shit went down tonight i dont know if im going to be living in vero much longer i cant deal with this im sorry i use to be a support beam for everyone but after so many hits to even the strongest beam it will eventually break & you know what today... i broke (not edge mind you tonight made me realize im fucking exstatic that im edge & i will be forever)im done trying to help in major situations i just dont fucking get it i try to help & me trying to help turns me into the bad guy WTF is that about? i dont know if im going to be talking to many people about this or at all i dont know im just sick as shit & all i need is a comfortable atmosphere thats it i mean its almost a weeek till xmas & wheres the tree wheres one fucking light? theres nothing up my family is broken u cant do everything & NOT TO MENTION i cant buy xmas presents for many people or get them something i want to & it tears me apart cause i hate that i cant get anyone something that will be meaningful to them & its shitty as fuck & ::note dont comment to this if you actually read it comment send me a message or something of the sort but not on here:: i dont care if im ranting i let you all do it to me & im not asking for your fucking pitty im just letting you know what is really going on... if your improtant enough ill tell you EVERYthing that happened & if not then ill omit some things but ill let you know more in depth. so heres the ending a note to my self

i know you saw it coming. i could never soften this blow for you just know you have some good friends & you are aloud to fuckin be down once & a while but get the fuckup & be you again after tonight.

if you got this far i commend you you actually care for me & are an amazing friend... or you just skipped to the end & i hate you

my_loving_death @ 2005-12-15T10:43:00

2005-12-15T15:46:15Z

im sick... wheres my sunshine? shes about 2 hours away doing a solos & singing & what not i hope its going well 2 days... i need food & i need to stop being sick & i need to not go to work

my_loving_death @ 2005-12-12T23:23:00

2005-12-13T04:28:25Z

once again this is for you lol but the shows this weekend were pretty sweet i danced it up got sore as fuh saw some amazing people. ktg mcveigh my fair verona drowned out awaiting winter maury & call to preserve did really well i was happy. only 4 days till im complete again & you will get the suprize lol but on the real if anyone has pics from the show hook it up i wanna see them britty vanessa heidi & holly all get better cause i said so.

4 more days

oh & p.s. im mad cause i ripped my fav jeans dancin &its right in the crotch area & i was going comando at the time

my_loving_death @ 2005-11-26T23:33:00

2005-11-27T04:36:01Z

ok so you bearly said to words to me today...thank you... but seriously i lost my credit card & my tire blew out today so my list of things on my week of shit got bigger today but luckily i have my close friends & im not droppin anynames you know who you are & i love you dearly for everything<3